On Suicide

“Suicide is the easy way out.”
“Suicide is weakness.”
“Suicide is running away.”
“Suicide is being coward.”
“You are just seeking attention.”

Oh really ?

Have you ever had the courage to feel all your feelings that you reached a point where it was impossible to carry ?

Have you ever dared to think about all of your life story and realized that it is full of shit, of abuse that they made you believe it’s love ?
And then told that you are the responsible for all of them for not saying no and not having the power to set boundaries that actually you never learned was possible ? (It’s true by the way, but it’ so hard to hold.)

Have you ever lost your primal instinct of survival, in your seemingly normal life, where other people are trying to immigrate to survive wars ?

Not even talking about looking him in the eye. Have you ever dared to even think about death ?

Have you ever given up on this life, and thought about taking your one way ticket into such an unknown might be interesting ?

Have you ever felt that you don’t belong to this world, you actually don’t enjoy or want it?

Have you ever looked at this power games and successful life stories presented to you, saw how meaningless this longings to have, hold and prove power are, non of them caring about who you are, what makes you happy or feel alive, felt uninterested to all of them and gave up to all the wars you might be getting in in this life? And felt there ok ?

Have you ever felt the world presented to you, doesn’t worth the effort needed to survive ?

Have you ever felt so desperate that you believed nothing is going to change, or you anyways don’t have the energy, power or confidence in yourself to make it happen ?

If no, and if you catch yourself saying some one especially who is suicidal, that the suicide is being coward, please shut the fuck up ! Stop spiting out your opinions about things you’ve never experienced. Get away from there for a while, take a few deep breaths, turn back and tell them you are there trying to understand.

Oh, do suicidal people seek attention ? Yeah let’s shame them for that and let them drown in their abyss. What a loving response to a “loved one” who is suffering! Congratulations !

Are they weak ? No, dear, they are out of this game of yours, they don’t give a shit about being strong or not.

But you actually are the one whose nervous system is stuck in fight mode, and who believes that the truth of this life is;  

This is an ongoing war in which you need to be strong, survive and fight until you die one day, sooner or later. And this is the only way you’ll deserve respect.
No, honey, you are not strong, you believe your travma response is strength and healthy.

Not sorry to claim that “This life doesn’t have to be a war all the time!”

You ashame the suicidal one with this labels because you are scared of facing your fear of actually loosing them. You are scared of actually hear, understand and support them. You are scared of thinking about death, of speaking on it. You don’t dare to really look at this state of mind/heart/existence. So you are just trying to push it in the shadow. Because you don’t know how to handle it, how to actually deal with it.

But please stop, stop it. Suicidal people already tend to shut up for not being a burden to others. And you are pushing them more to loneliness by that. You are being the burden on the shoulders of the one who is already struggling.

Just honestly accept that you don’t know how to help and you are scared of losing them, but you are there. This is simple but more sincere and meaningful.

*

I am working on my inner man lately. The first thing I met with on this journey was my inner old guy who says he doesn’t want to be here, didn’t want to come, doesn’t want to do anything and he just waits calmly until this story ends one day.

With time I understood which part of me he represents and here I want to tell my story and honor him, myself and all the people who walked through this path.

When I was 23, with lots of things happening and me trying to process them, suddenly I realized that I didn’t live for myself all these years but to fulfill the expectations, which means I didn’t know who I am and didn’t have any idea what I like or want to do. My world collapsed.
I understood that I was also somehow avoiding to live, to existe. A part of me was refusing this life actually.

Committing it was only away from me the way to the toilet at that moment.

But I stopped for a moment, felt the feeling of freedom that gave me. Suddenly, I was free to do whatever I want, be wherever I want, no right ways to do things, no responsibilities… And everything could end whenever I want !

This is when I really started to live, started to exist. This might be my actual birth.

*
Soon, I’ll be letting free that part of me with a shamanic ritual. But first I want to express that I love and respect that part of me so much ! I honor him and all the souls who passed through this path. I see their courage, their strength in the core.

Most importantly I want to say that;

I DON'T HAVE EVEN ONE CELL IN MY BODY THAT IS ASHAMED OF HAVING HAD SUCH A PROCESS IN MY LIFE !

Hugging myself from 6 years ago and saying “welcome darling, to the point where you can be most committed to change your life. Congratulations !" as would say death midwife Ali Avalon.

Please share this with your suicidal friends. Let them know they are not alone !

PS: We can not generalize such subjects. It’s just that when it’s time, some things need to be expressed in a precise way. And I trust that it will reach the hearts that need to hear these words.